Reinventing myself, I find, is not as complicated as it seems. It’s worse. I’m at a skull and crossbones crossroad in my life, deciding whether I should follow the path of the skull or the other sign indicating poison. Not pleased with either choice, I will allow myself to play. I may be fiddling while my world is self-immolating, but at least I can listen to some wonderful music as I take the fall or jump to new heights. Think of Pink’s superfab F’n Perfect. Go to this link, dance and love yourself, because you are, I am perfect. http://tinyurl.com/cfu27pb
So with more time on my hands than is emotionally healthy, I am avoiding rummaging through the trunks filled with memories, the shadows of regret, and clearing a space for self-expression. I’ve been an opera singer, but stopped singing in an amazing display of self-sabotage, after my divorce. I’ve written a paranormal romance series which I hope my brilliant agents will sell. Recently, I added jewelry design to my toy chest. I am passionate about personal adornment. My accessories, the colors, shapes, textures, that I place against my skin please me far more than the men that I’ve been meeting, and the jewelry elements have more character and interest as well.
So while I am exploring supplemental employment opportunities, and thinking about opening myself to an integral relationship that has yes, integrity, passion, a kinetic intellectual attraction, spiritual resonance and the ability to communicate honestly and openly (anyone see the unicorn running down fifth avenue with the golden horn?); I am also trolling through jewelry supply stores. I am choosing beads that please me. I imagine the story that each bead conveys. I feel their texture, individual energy and shape. I mentally place them in a pattern that tells a story that I want to tell. I am in love with violet hues, red-violet, blue violet. I want to create designs that have an impact. I am often complimented on my accessories and feel that they express my inner warrior priestess. I am attracted to pieces that have an impact. They make a statement, as do I. My personal statement has not attracted the situations or men that interest me, so I will create another world. I can create a destiny with each piece. Each element, color, texture, will co-exist with another until a personal parable is realized and executed through jewelry.
Validation is perhaps the most basic, primordial drive. We receive this through community, family, relationships, work associations. I’ve annexed myself from the family portion of the primal program. I work from home as an independent contractor. And community is fleeting in New York, a city so vast, and with such a rapacious appetite that one feels as though they are eternally running with the bulls
A brief foray into online dating has elucidated another passion – boxing. Yep, my experiences have been as disheartening and disgusting as swimming in a polluted pond. But, I am admittedly picky. Of the hundreds of men that I’ve dated, I only hold one or two in my heart and memory. My ex-boyfriend repeatedly chastises me for being so picky. I don’t think that I am overly selective, just discriminating. I know what pleases me and thankfully, no longer have to apologize for my preferences.
I will construct my beaded bracelets like strands of destiny whose colors and stories will delight. In this, at least, I have control. To view my new store: http://www.etsy.com/shop/beadeddestiny/